Its been a long time i had this sinking feeling ,i am experiencing today ...(and for apparently no reason ? ) ...usually i avoid thinking altogether these days ..coz whenever i try to "think" over anything and arrive at apparently the "best thing " to do ....it ends up as a fckup ...
Life's been a lil bit too good recently ...and i purposely avoided any reflections as for the reasons to why it was so kind to me offlate ...:D
I've been pretty much of a loner throughout ,with hardly any real friends to boast of from school days ...i tried to chng things when in college...but then i was a lil too weird i suppose to be too acceptable for every1 ...but then i did gain a few true friends ...whom i would like to cherish a lifelong friendship ...:):) ...But somehow 2 sems earlier i desperately wanted to change this state of affairs ...it was a conscious decision that howsoever few i'll have either have veryyy good friends or none of them at all ..(that jus suited the kind of persona i m ..) ...counting 500 acquaintences as FRIENDS was something i' ll never get comfortable with ...
So,i kinda started closing down on my circle ....what i was trying to do was(of corse selfish ? :D ) not to choose/earn friends ,but building a lifelong support system for myself .People whom i would love to stand by even when they dont need me ...people who would get me up and running in my blue days .Its a known fact that i am very open with my close friends ....there's hardly anything "private" in my life(I may be very reserved and reclusive socially but i am a blabber-bug with my real friend circle ;D ) .But then its not necessary that "they " may also share a similar notion of friendship with ya ! ...For some ..friendship is something very informal ,while others may regard it as a bit too private an affair .In nycase ,the point here is ,in this whole process i have gained (a few) and lost (many !!) friends [[I feel ,i may be being a lil unfair when i categorically classify my social circle ,but then thats how most of the things in our life are...a lil unfair ;) ]]
Been jus wondering ...Its funny how friendships don’t die; they jus sort of fade away...and that’s hard – if it’s a relationship, closure comes with a break-up; what is the equivalent act when it comes to friends?
U have initial meetings...when u discover....like each other’s company and have fun. U have those long interesting conversations where u talk non stop for hours and can talk for more hours....U start missing his/her company when he/she is not around u....There are times when u can’t afford not to talk even for a single day...Things are easy going, & u r totally tension free (that u feel in a relationship)... Now u start assuming that it’s so much easier to keep a frndship going on..
Then suddenly for some reason or wateva ...you start to get the feeling that things r not the same anymore... The conversation seems forced, even untrue to an extent....Things are not as much fun as they used to be. You feel like you’re just another face in the crowd to that person..... u bump in sometimes, exchange a few words. ....Earlier, those meetings/talks meant something...Now, they are just failing attempts to keep the illusion of meaning going..... Priorities change, people do too.... And suddenly, u are no longer preferred company and priority.
It’s tough when it comes to friends, to define who wants what.... Then several questions come to your mind....What are the reasons? ...Are they bored of you? ...Is it just a natural death of the friendship? ....Are you just blowing up things – did it mean so much to begin with?.... Maybe, you’ve become too different, too distant, and distinct or may be too strange for your frnds? ....Are you not more in their preferred company or priority list? Why it all happened?.... Was that your fault?.... What can you do? ....Can’t you be the same frnds again?.... How can you explain him/her?
As for me ...I just hate this formality which creeps in....It jus pisses me beyond anything when one of u tries to pretend that things are the same !! as ever ....while u both know they r not ....
There are many ways to kill a friendship – betrayal, mistrust, distance, differences, misunderstanding, and dishonesty. But strangely, it’s when they die on their own that it’s the most painful…
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